One time… I got an email from a woman named Krishna from the Gay Men’s Health Crisis Center in NYC asking for flaggers for an event in celebration and remembrance of World Aids Day December 1st. I had no real idea what this celebration was about, but an opportunity to share flagging, and also to be part of an event that speaks about something that really affects my community, my friends and myself so deeply, --I agreed to do it.
The event was called “Out of the Darkness” and it was the 18th gathering of people to reflect and read the names of those we have lost to AIDS. The event will continue to happen annually until the day comes when there will be no need to have a World Aids Day because a cure has been found, OR we are able to Act up, Fight Back, and Fight AIDS till it is non-existent.
The event is in two parts. The first part began as a candlelight vigil at the Trinity Lutheran Church of Manhattan at 6:00 PM. From there, people would march in a procession to the Broadway United Church of Christ where 30 minutes of time would be devoted to the reading of the names of people we have lost to AIDS. It was at the second church that I was asked to flag in honor of those who have departed us, and to support those of us still fighting the disease, and also to support and educate others about the prejudices and struggles of HIV.
When I got to the beautiful church on 93rd street, several flaggers were already there dressed in white with red AIDS ribbons. It was there that I learned that during the early days of the AIDS crisis in the mid 80’s, the AIDS pandemic had hit the gay nightclub scene so hard that there was a decline in flaggers and flag dancing. It later became a tradition to do a flag dance in honor of a friend who died of AIDS.
At one point, dance floors became so full of flaggers honoring departed friends that it became too much for the gay community and flag dancing was stopped. I realized now why Krishna had invited flaggers. Because flagging in remembrance of departed friends to AIDS was a tradition. I felt extremely honored to be there.
There was no fanfare opening up the gathering. At 6:30 PM the reading of the names commenced. Mike Richards, Dan Williams, Tim Scott, Willie Ninja… the names continued on. Baby Jessica, Eduardo, Fernando, Alejandro, Richard- people with no last names… Music was softly playing in the background.
Seven minutes into the reading, I found myself overwhelmed. So many people lost. Tears freely started flowing from my eyes. How could we have lost so many people? 8 minutes into this and no end in sight of the names. I couldn’t help but worry how it would feel to one day to hear any of my friends names amongst those being read, or maybe even my own name. Halfway through the reading, the procession from the candlelight vigil arrived. The church started to get so full, that more folding chairs had to be brought out.
At 7 PM exactly, the reading of names stopped. I know that there were many many more names and not all of the names were read. They could have read for hours. The pastor of the church invited people to call out the names of loved ones they had lost to AIDS. I found myself surrounded by people shouting out the names of departed loved ones. I also realized how lucky I am to have not lost anyone yet. I counted my blessings as I wiped my tears.
After a brief music interlude, the flaggers were invited up to flag. I flagged with all my heart. I felt like crying but at the same time, also felt joy to be here part of this celebration of life amongst some of my closest friends doing something we love to do- Flag dance! What an honor! What a gift!
Brent, Founder and President of the American Run for the End of Aids (AREA) shared a poem he had written called “Beach Glass”, reminiscing about his early days on Fire Island dancing at a beach party, surrounded by flaggers, celebrating life amidst the AIDS crisis. He asked if this was the price that gay men had to pay in order to feel love.
I contemplated that without equal rights to express our love such as the legalization of gay marriage, society maybe be plunging such issues as HIV into the darkness- making it worse. When people have to hide what they are doing-- we make it seem like a crime to love one another, is this what happens?
A Woman named Gay performed a song in English and in French entitled “Hymne a l’Amour” (Hymn to Love).
Evelyn then came up to speak about her son who she lost. She shared how her sons last few months were wonderful as it was when he started to really open with her. When he passed away, so over wrought with grief, she decided to volunteer at the Gay Men’s Health Crisis Center. She continues to volunteer there today and will do so until the day they tell her she is no longer needed because a cure has been found. HIV doesn’t only affect its’ victims, it affects their loved ones too.
Carol and her son Trammell came up to speak afterwards. Carol told the story of her baby daughter who was born sickly. How Carol herself was not in a high risk group.
How she did not engage in risky sex, or drug use, nor had blood transfusions. How the doctors kept testing her child for everything except HIV because there was no reason to believe that her daughter would have it. But when all the test were exhausted and that was the only one left, and it came back positive, Carol had to have herself tested because logically that is where her daughter would have got it from. Carol was also positive. Carols daughter was given only a short time to live, but years later, on her 6th birthday when asked what her birthday wish was she replied “I want to live and be 7 years old and lose my baby teeth because then I won’t be a baby anymore”. Three months after her 7th birthday, Carol noticed her daughter squinting. She told her mom that her head hurt so badly but she didn’t want her mommy to worry. She died. She still had all her baby teeth. Trammell then spoke about having a mom who is positive and how her health is constantly at the back of his mind. HIV can affect anyone, not just gays, not just drug users, but mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, babies.
Simply Rob from the group El Grit de Poetas came up and shared some spoken word- Poems he wrote about being a positive gay man. He shared a story of how he was invited to a dinner and everyone ate off of fine China while he was invited to eat off of paper plates because he has HIV. He has made it his mission today to educate his friends and the masses, about the prejudices of HIV. You cannot get HIV by sharing a cup with someone, or shaking their hand.
The elaborate House and Ball system of Harlem—the people who invented vogue-ing has been in existence since the 1920’s during the Harlem Renaissance. Formal competitions occur in the form of grand balls held by the houses. Hector Xtravaganza, grandfather of several of the houses, age 51, shared what it was like to be an HIV positive person in the early 80’s. How his parents believed that AIDS was god’s punishment for gays and drug users. How he has forgiven his family for not being open and discussing sexuality and STD’s (I feel like my parents were this way, even embarrassed to talk about this stuff). He is making sure that the kids and grandkids in his Houses are all educated to protect themselves, and fight the prejudices that come with it. HIV is not punishment for sinners, it can infect anyone. No one is immune. You can protect yourself through education.
Hector’s Son Luna and his grandson Dominique shared what it was like to be able to go somewhere and be accepted for who you are no matter what your sexuality is, how you dress, or if you have HIV or not.
They are proud of their families in the House and Ball System of Harlem. People with HIV need support from their loved ones, not prejudices and rejection.
To show her love and support Tiah Legacy Carrera performed the number “When Love Takes Over”.
The next part of the gathering though somewhat strange to me, woke me up to the importance of why people choose the type of protections they use when having sex, or choose not to. This was the Blessing of the Safer Sex Kits. “We Bless the condoms, Female Condoms, the lubricants, and we bless the people who may not have the luxury of using protection because of fear of abuse, or the need to feel intimacy or human touch that outweighs the harsh realities of living with HIV and AIDS…..”
Then the Evolution Dance crew of America’s Next Best Dance Crew slammed the audience with an amazing performance!
And then the Reverend Pat Bumgardner of MCC called us to action. She asked that we write our congressman to not cut HIV budgets. She said that if you can twitter or go on Facebook and write random things about yourself such as going to the bathroom or feeling a certain way, you can take an extra few minutes to write your congressmen about something that really matters. She is right. Don’t be afraid to speak up for the issues you believe in.
The night ended with more song as everyone was invited up to dance. After the formal gathering, I took the time to take a look at some of the Artwork and quilts around the church. On the Altar of the church were 3 pieces by W. Maxwell Lawton. His partner graciously shared his work showcasing his struggle with HIV before he died. One piece spoke to me loudly. A bold Statement. I don’t really know what the piece was meant to portray, but to me it was that of Jesus covered with Kaposi Sarcoma lesions. I nicknamed this piece the “AIDS JESUS”.
Above our heads hanged four large quilts. The quilts were covered with names and sayings of people who had gone before us. They were very moving.
As I left the church that night, a big part of me felt wonderful that I was part of this celebration, but a big part of me just wanted to go home and cry. So many people affected, so many people lost. I think I will continue to go to World Aids Day until I too am told that there is no more World Aids Day because a cure has been found.
I am lucky to not have lost anyone to this disease. I urge all of you, my friends, to talk openly with one another about it. Talk to your kids about it. It is important that we learn to protect ourselves, and to fight the prejudices that HIV brings about. The only way that someone with HIV can stay well is if he or she has our support. HIV affects everyone, not just gays, not just people of color, not just drug users. It affects anyone who is not educated enough to protect themselves. If you think that you are exempt, remember so did Carol and her daughter. It is not punishment for being bad, because HIV can happen to good people too.
My friend Karl who is HIV positive once told me that when we shine light into the darkness the darkness ceases to exist. It’s time to shine the light on this guys!
For Real! Seriously!
