Touching the Hearts of Men: Rowe Gay Mens' Labor Day Retreat

One time… when I was a kid, my father started recording movies from HBO onto VHS tapes. We had this extensive library of mostly B-movies and all of our friends and relatives would come over to borrow them. 3 movies to a VHS tape-- a great deal. We were the “Netflix” of Whitmore Village before there was even such a thing as “Netflix”—and we did it for free!

My older brother would spend a lot of time watching these movies.
He had his favorites, and one of his favorites was the movie “Meatballs”. I watched it over and over with him. It was a movie about summer camp. I guess he liked it a lot because in Hawaii, there wasn't really such a thing as summer camp. Camping consisted of going to the beach, or pitching a tent in your backyard for the weekend. Even places like Camp Erdman or Camp Kualoa were only for 3 days at a time, nothing like summer camp in the movie “Meatballs”.

My older brother and older sister would often have my dad pitch a tent in the backyard and have all their friends come for a sleepover. In the morning, I would unzip the doors of the tents and jump on everyone waking them up. I think I was four or five years old at the time. I never had any of my friends come for a backyard sleepover, even when I got older. Maybe it was because my grandfather covered all of our grass with concrete and turned our yard into an outdoor patio.


When I was in high school, I saw the movie “The Breakfast Club” and had the same sort of reaction from it as the movie “Meatballs”. Mrs. Kawaa, our leadership teacher explained to me that the reason people relate to these movies is because they are about groups of kids who do not have a sense of belonging, who find their place in the world utilizing a thing she called “group”—like group therapy.
They learned at camp, (or in detention) that they were really all alike, and that in order to feel accepted, all they had to do was be themselves--Something a little hard for a closeted gay boy like me to digest.

For the past few months, living in NYC, I have been feeling like a leper-- Like I don’t belong. I’ve been going through a mild depression. You’ve read in my last couple of blogs about my so called dating life – that is one of the ways I have been feeling rejected. This depression has manifested itself in me reading self help books and excessive drinking. I needed to stop.
I needed to go to summer camp and just be myself. 

And that is why when my friend Ben offered me a chance to teach flagging at his “gay spiritual retreat” up at the Rowe Conference Center (camp) for Labor Day weekend, I seriously considered it. But words like “spiritual retreat” brought images of shamans, and psychics, and preachers singing Kumbaya around a fire and left me feeling kind of iffy. Ben assured me that this isn’t what his camp was about--This would be a weekend for me to really be  myself, be alcohol and drug free, to meet great people, and to learn my place in our community as a gay man. I agreed to do it.

Before I go on, I’d like to explain that Rowe turned out to be an amazing place where I could just be me. It was because Rowe fostered an environment of freedom with no judgment. In order to continue fostering this environment and out of respect for my fellow brothers, I will be telling you this story from my point of view—My story and no one else’s. I will not share other people’s stories from camp, what they did, or photos,-- just my own. I want my brothers to know that what happened at Rowe stays at Rowe. That everything that happened will remain sacred.

On August 15, Ben called me to make sure that I was registered for camp so that he could add my flagging workshop to the schedule. I still had doubts about attending at that time, but decided “why not?”

I called Rowe to book. “Which housing would you prefer? Your own tent, a tent that we pitch, an un-winterized cabin, a winterized cabin, or a dorm in the farmhouse?” the woman asked.

 “Which ones have the nicest bathrooms and where would you personally stay?” I asked. “Definitely the farmhouse” she replied.


Friday September 4th, I found myself with a suitcase, a sleeping bag, and a duffle bag of flags (way over packed), in a car for the 5 hour drive to the Berkshire mountains where Rowe is located.
The ride was pleasant as Tom (Ben’s partner) and Karl filled me in on the details of the camp without really filling in the details. I asked if there would be bacon. They weren’t sure since Rowe is known for having delicious but HEALTHY menus. We passed cities, and towns, and eventually came into green farmlands where my cell phone ceased to work. It was going to be a truly unplugged weekend.




We pulled into the camp grounds and up to the farmhouse (where I would be staying), which housed the registration desk, a living room, and the dining hall. Ben greeted us with hugs on the porch. Ben had this strange but calm serene grin on his face. I wasn’t sure how to take this. Images of gay men sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya filled my head. “Where are you staying?” Ben asked. “Right here in the farmhouse” I replied. “Wow!” said Ben. “You got good housing”.




I checked in, put my stuff in my room, and hung out on the porch for a while, meeting guys as they arrived--all who were very friendly. I was waiting for Tom and Karl to come back from putting their stuff up in their rooms somewhere else on the grounds.

I decided to go sit in the farmhouse living room and wait.
I could still feel the traffic of NYC racing through me. With each breath of clean fresh air, it started to dissipate. Guys were coming in and hugging each other. It was nice, and I so wanted to be a part of their mini reunion.
They turned and introduced themselves to me and made me feel very welcomed. When Karl and Tom came back, they suggested we head up to the Rec Hall where we could start working on our mailbox bags. I think I was starting to get that calm serene grin on my own face—And I WAS LOVING IT!




When we got to the Rec Hall, Karl Immediately sat down and started on his bag. I was at a loss for ideas. There were a ton of guys already working. I sat down and started working on mine. Jose across me started a conversation with me.
He made me feel special, like I belonged. Jose finished before me and went to put his bag up on the “Wall of Fame”. Another guy Christopher sat down across from me. Watching me fold some origami flowers, he decided that I must be an art teacher. I laughed about that. When I was done, I put my bag up on the wall of fame and went to ride the rocking horse that was there. It was so nice to be a kid again. Some snacks were being offered as people were working. Fresh fruit, meatballs, and BACON STUFFED MUSHROOMS!! We had bacon!! Yay!




After “arts and crafts”, we headed to our first meal in the dining hall. All the men gathered in a large circle for grace.
Someone read a moving poem for grace. We sat down and the kitchen staff informed us that the camp was a green place and that our napkins would be our napkins for the entire weekend. They provided us little cubbies to store them in after each meal. Dinner was refreshing, nourishing, and delicious. Pasta with chicken, and salad with fresh organic ingredients from the nearby farms.



After dinner I had a bit of free time. I checked out the bathrooms. The farmhouse bathrooms were the most private—the nicest. Although though they had paper towels, they encouraged the use of cloth hand towels. I sat in the farmhouse living room again with a cup of herbal tea and just took the day in, breathing and enjoyed the company of others. I was starting to feel a sense of community.

At around 8PM we headed to the Rug Room in the Rec Hall where our first session began.

I love the Rug Room. No shoes allowed, huge comfy couches, and lots of throw pillows and places to sit on the floor. Hanging above the mantle place, a painting showing all the religions of the world living in harmony.  Ben, Andrew, and Don went over the rules of the camp. They expressed that we were here to foster an environment of absolute openness, and absolute safety.
This meant that here at Rowe there was absolute trust and support. No one would be asked to do something they did not want to do, and no one was to be photographed without their permission. When we were to share stories, we were only to share our own stories, and no one else’s. And then Don went into the “sex talk”. Just like a nervous father, he explained that we are all adults and that he encouraged us to enjoy one another’s company. He asked that we just be aware and respectful of others around us, and that there were other ways to show affection besides sex, like “taking a walk” or “cuddling”. He left it at that.


After the pep talk, we played some group games where I learned to ask for the things that I wanted, and to say no to things that I didn’t want.  I learned to take deep breaths.   We also learned to give delicious gourmet hugs to one another. This turned out to be the highlight of the weekend. Whenever I felt needy, or overwhelmed, I would get a hug, from ANYONE and breathe. It was nice. It was like monkeys, who when stressed would cling to one another until the stress went away. Let me tell you, it works. I hugged and was hugged all weekend long.

After the session we met in our small groups. This was a group we would regularly check in with and discuss topics. This group became my family while I was there--My own "breakfast club."

I ended my night in the farmhouse living room once again, with another cup of herbal tea chatting with Matt and a guy named Rene- the music director of the talent show. I felt a speical Connection to Rene (pronounced Reenee), and Matt.

I stayed up until 2 AM sharing with Rene and Matt. Rene asked me to join him in singing for the puppet show the following night, and also convinced me to sing the song I was toying with for the talent show on Sunday. When I finally crept into bed, I realized that I had not unpacked my bedding and to be respectful and quiet to the other men sleeping in my room I decided to just make do. It was a restless night for me, but usually the first night is always restless especially on a full moon accompanied by the sound of coyotes’ howling outside.


I missed early morning yoga (I was too tired after that restless night) got ready and headed to the living room where I had another cup of herbal tea waiting for breakfast. The air was cool and crisp, and breakfast was amazing. Pancakes and BACON!! Yay!



After breakfast it was back into another small group session where I think I shed my first tears being confronted with who I really was.
My new family was amazing and supported me through saying exactly what I needed to hear. I learned to listen. Burgers for lunch, and then it was time for the afternoon sessions.

There were several sessions to choose from, from Emotional Freedom Technique, Astrology, to Tantric Massage.  I chose to take Bens workshop on the “Hunter and the Hunted” where i  felt like Ben was describing me to a Tee and using the blog I wrote on dating to teach the session. He was not. It hit me hard but I learned so much.


For the second afternoon session, I taught my flagging class to 6 eager people who learned to flag and even put together some choreography. I learned a lot about my own skills as a teacher, and patience.
I used free time afterwards to write notes to people in their mailboxes while some people napped, went on walks, or went to the lake (the ledges which is clothing optional!). I also joined in a game of Wolf where Jade and I used our sweet innocence to decimate a whole village!



Dinner was to be followed by a puppet show and ritual. As soon as I was through eating, I changed into warmer clothes, sprayed on some bug spray and headed out to the field to learn the song I was supposed to help Rene sing. John, Jade, and Stephen, were already there. Rene tried to teach us some simple back up rifts, but we ran out of time. The puppeteers needed Rene to work with them so we had to wing it. Jade, John, and I made up notes and chords, singing words such as “scissors, scissors, scissors” over and over again to stall while the puppets caught up. I don’t think anyone really realized we were making it up. Stephen did a great job on the drums.


The Puppet show was amazing.  Giant puppets and shadow puppets were illuminated by candles in paper bags and Flashlights. It told the story of how at the beginning of time, people were actually two people fused together and how god pulled them apart.
Because they were pulled apart, we are now constantly in search of our “lost brothers” who were pulled from us,-- but each of us have it in ourselves to be strong alone. The story left me feeling sad. I realized that I was amongst my brothers. The ritual around the campfire followed. We each lit a candle. It was too overwhelming for me. I was amongst other men who truly understood and accepted me.

I broke down on Rene’s shoulder crying. Both he and John embraced me in a safe comforting hug. We all lit sparklers and I was a kid again laughing and smiling.




After the bon fire, Rene had to go work on the script for the talent show. After a day of being emotional and my allergies starting to act up, I didnt feel like doing much, so I opted to write a few notes to people, reflect, and hang out with John.   We were waiting for Rene to finish. At Midnight, John and I were ready to turn in.  I popped my head into where Rene was and said goodnight to him. I left the Rec Hall.

A few minutes later, Rene was chasing after me saying he was done.  He offered to walk me to the Farmhouse.   

Rene made me watch the giant spider that lived on the Rec Hall porch build a new web.
As terrified of spiders as I am, I somehow felt safe with Rene there.   We ended up driving one of the golf carts back to the Farmhouse, and on the way, we found a rainbow colored Hula Hoop-- the perfect prop to be used as a time machine in Rene's talent show.   This time when I crept into my room, my sleeping bag was set up and I went right to sleep.


Sunday was beautiful and breakfast was followed by a beautiful walk to the lake, then another emotional group session, followed by lunch. After lunch it was time for workshops.

I opted to take John’s nature walk since I was starting to feel a closeness to him as well (after the previous nights events). The walk was beautiful. We learned about the layout of the land, and picked herbs and made a wonderful herbal tea. I spent the rest of the afternoon with John hanging out where Rene was working on the talent show stuff.  We knew that Rene was stressing from putting the talent show together for that night.

I wanted to be there for Rene so that when he looked over, he would know that I was there to support him just as he was for me at the camp fire when I broke down. At the end of the session, he worked with me on my song for the talent show. Both him and John eased my fears.





As we were prepping for the talent show, the Drag Workshop was taking place. I should have done it, but felt I wasn’t ready this year (though I know some of you would have paid to see me in drag!). I definitely want to do it next year. As I watched my brothers transform I was envious. I saw strengths in each of them that I admired. The queens within brought this out. I think it was very therapeutic for them. Once fully dressed, they held a reception where they traded kisses for money. The money goes to scholarships for people who could not afford camp.




We took our “ladies FOR the night” (not ladies OF the night) to the farmhouse for dinner. The dining hall was beautifully set up, and candle lit. When I was done eating, I headed up to change into my red shirt for the talent show.


I met John in the Rec Hall and sat down extremely nervous to be performing in the talent show. The talent show turned out to be fun. People shared songs, poetry, skits, comedy-- everything! Even the drag queens performed a number. Then it was my turn to sing. My voice was hoarse from allergies and being emotional. I got my strength to sing at first from John and Rene (who I practiced with), and then from the whole group. There was no judgment here. I sang my heart out.  At the end of the talent show I flagged.



After the talent show, the most amazing dance happened. Everyone slow danced for 2 minutes with someone, and then at the sound of a bell, we traded partners. We continued trading, sharing, and thanking one another, until we had just about danced with everyone. It was so sweet. Then a whole bunch of people flagged!!




 I left the grand ball with someone special and we headed back to his private tent.  We cuddled in the tent the whole night, sharing stories, deep secrets, crying, laughing, and sleeping. Early the next morning he walked me back to my room. I got ready for breakfast.



I sat with my group at breakfast. This would be the very last time our whole group would be together-- since Eli was leaving early. Then we headed up to the Rec Hall. Some friends were on the floor of the rug room with open arms waiting to cuddle with me for this last session there. We cried as people stood up and shared some of their most intimate secrets. And then it was off to our final Small group.


In this final Small group, I was able to thank my group for being them. I thanked Stephen for his calmness, Eli for his eagerness, Kevin for his strength, Joseph for his way with words, and Doug for his wisdom and insight. I cried a lot. Then we headed back to the Rec Hall for a closing ceremony. We had to look each man in the eye, not touch them, not hug them, and not speak to them. Just look them in the eye acknowledging them for being them and for being there. It was the most difficult and emotional circle I have ever been in. Then it was goodbye.



Camp was an experience I will never forget. I learned so much about myself—my REAL self. I realized that the person I was at camp was the person I aspired to be in my everyday life—someone who lived honestly and kindly with others and the earth. I made some lasting bonds with people. 

The next few days after camp were an adjustment for me. I cannot wait for next year. And next year maybe Ms. Honey Teriyaki will make an appearance!




I leave you with the words to the song that I sang at camp:

No Matter What—Andrew Lloyd-Webber

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what the teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We’ll find our own way back.

I can’t deny what I believe
I can’t be what I’m not
I know our love’s forever
I know no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear god say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what you do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it’s barren
Our dreams our being born

No matter who they follow
No matter who may lead
No matter how they judge us
I’ll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don’t shine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the ending
My life began with you

I can’t deny what I believe
I can’t be what I’m not
I know this love’s forever
That’s all that matters now no matter what.


For Real! Seriously!