It's Britney Bitches!

One time… I met a boy in a bar. He was Filipino and everyone thought we were cousins. We started making out (hey we were really drunk). Everyone in the bar was into us being “kissing cousins”-- like we were circus freaks. We told people that our parents were embarrassed that we were gay and to keep the secret in the family-- so we did! People ate it up. We were the star attraction at the bar! We made out all night and then exchanged numbers and friended each other on Facebook. A couple days later I text messaged him. I asked when I would see him again-- he didn’t respond.

About a month later, I ran into him at another bar. He was friendly, and again we told people we were cousins-- but no kissing this time. Later, I text messaged him to see what was up with him and he didn’t respond. What a total Asshole!

A few weeks later I got an email from him on Facebook:

Hey William,

Sorry I haven't written or texted. I'm kinda embarrassed about my behavior that night. I was drunk and dealing with a recent breakup. I still hope we can be friends!

Hey... I saw on your profile that you like Britney. Are you going to her show? I got this code for great seats for $10 and $30 (plus the horrible surcharges of course)... but the $30 seats are first level from floor! This is only for the show on the 26th. Dirt cheap! Those seats are regularly $160!

Here's the code: CVFANDF (put this in the "special offers and promotions" for "any price")

Have a great weekend.
Your cousin,
Ben

I was the REBOUND GUY??? Whatever!

I quickly pulled up TicketMaster and put in the code.
Sure enough, Amazing seats exactly where Ben said they would be. I called Herbert. We tried plugging in 2 seats but it kept shooting us in the $10 section way up in the stratosphere! We decided to buy separate seats in the $30 section and we would finagle our way to sit next to each other when we got there. Ben was forgiven. I shared the code with a bunch of girls on my floor at work.

I don’t care what any of you have to say that is bad about Britney Spears-- I love her. She is an entertainer. So what if she uses a vocoder-- who doesn’t these days? So what if she doesn’t dance full out--who does? It’s all about the back-up dancers anyway. The girl knows how to put on a show. And let me tell you, she got her groove back. And for someone that everyone seems to always be trashing, she sure is SELLING OUT arenas, selling albums, and last year she swept the MTV VMA’s. So the Bitch is doing something right. (except finding a man! all her back up dancers were so hot, yet she chose Federline???)

As a Gay man there are 3 goddesses on earth I believe you must see. Madonna; Kylie (who is SOLD OUT!! WAH!!); and Britney Spears. All 3 know how to put on a show. It doesn’t matter that Britney does not sing a single word and the whole show is lip synced, it’s still an amazing spectacle to behold.


The day of the concert, my friend Jeff (who went the night before) called me  and said to wear something sassy since the concert is a gay Mecca (and my future husband might be  there). 

I decided to wear my red carnival shirt that says “STAFF, we’ll do it for a quarter!”—I thought it was circus sassy and appropriate. Besides, it’s my favorite red shirt. I always get noticed when I wear this shirt.

We got to Madison Square Garden early-- not sure if the concert would start on time since Madonna’s concert supposedly started at 8 but she did not make an appearance until somewhere closer to 10 with no pre-show!


We browsed the Britney paraphernalia for sale and some random girl even came up to me and asked me if I wanted to smell like Britney as she sprayed me with Britney’s Candies fragrance before I could even say no.

When we got to our seats, we realized that they were AMAZING. The stage was right in front of us set up like 3 rings of a circus.
Herbert decided to sit with me and as people started filling in we would ask to switch so that we could be next to each other. An usher appeared, looked at our tickets and told Herbert he was in a completely different section. So much for trading seats as I watched Herbert walk to another section. Herbert had the end seat of a row that was completely full except for one other seat in the middle. His seat was just as amazing, actually even more so.


The Pre-show started promptly at 8. Some girl named Kristina Debarge, and then some unknown boy band named  One Call--
nothing special.

As they were singing, a girl and her boyfriend came up to me and insisted that I was in their seat. I started to argue. We pulled out our tickets and the guy quickly informed me that I too was in the wrong section. I realized that I was supposed to be in the same section as Herbert-- in that one empty seat!


I walked over to the section Herbert was in and immediately started asking people if they were together and if they could move over one seat. Everyone moved with no arguments and no issues.
I sat down next to a surprised Herbert, and to strange looks from the Asian girls who had just moved one seat over.

I later realized that the reason that everyone moved with no issues  (and the Asian girls gave me strange looks) was BECAUSE my shirt said STAFF and had a carnival logo on it. They all probably thought I worked there! I sat down just in time to catch Jordin Sparks wail at the top of her range some of her most famous hits including No Air. The girls in front of us immediatley liked Herbert and me (the gays). One of them started talking to us about how she (Jordin Sparks) was better than Britney. As IF!




Once the pre-show was over, a time clock came on stating “The Circus will begin in X Minutes” counting down to Britney. I suddenly got a phone call.
“Are you wearing a red shirt bitch?” It was Ben all the way in section 86. He had spotted me!--(told you I always get noticed in this red shirt). I walked over to wear he was. His seats were even better than mine! (we were in section 97) NAILS!

I headed back to my seat as Herbert headed out to get himself a snack. At 30 seconds left in the countdown, Herbert appeared with Beer!
The lights dimmed… 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1 and up came…. The Big Apple Circus! Britney tricked us! Actually, the performance was amazing—acrobats and gymnasts, clowns, the whole shebang, but really, it was the Big Apple Circus.



Then the lights dimmed again coming up on Perez Hilton (one of Britney’s biggest fans) dressed as a circus freak announcing the arrival of Britney Spears.




Britney dropped out of the ceiling in a golden ring as she performed one of the most amazing opening numbers I have ever seen for a concert: Circus. It was brilliant! Full of acrobats, and gymnasts, smoke and lights, there was so much to look at, it was overwhelming. I must say, the theme of circus is a brilliant theme to stage a comeback tour—and Britney ran with it! It’s Britney Bitches! She’s back!




She followed up that number with Piece of Me where she paraded herself around the stage in a gold cage like a fabulous exhibit (which she is), as headlines of newspapers covered the video monitors. --You want a piece of her?




She did not perform Gimme Gimme (from her darkest hours). Instead, she created a techno version of the song and had dancers perform an Asian
kung Fu-esqe dance to it. I do not believe she will ever perform that song again.





The show is bespectacled with circus acts, magic tricks and even a Bollywood number to Me Against the Music.




Britney then toned the lights down to a calming blue, got on the microphone, and in the most baby munchkin voice said “Thank you New York” and then she proceeded to climb onto an umbrella swing to sing her sad ballad-- EVERY TIME.
Well, she didn’t actually sing it, even though at one point she grabbed her gut and pushed on her diaphragm to give her extra air to hold the note out. Whatever!



As an added bonus, she threw in the number Slave for You!


And Toxic!

She winded the show down with another favorite-- Hit Me Baby One More Time and a video slide show of all her songs to the music of Break the Ice.



Her Final number- Womanizer, she was dressed as a sexy police officer. The whole show closed with fireworks and confetti! The crowd went wild.




After the show, the Britney gang met for karaoke at Xes bar and lounge.



Everyone was talking about the concert. Even the girls the next day at work. It was well worth the $30.00 bucks.

Now if only I could get Kylie tickets for real cheap!

For Real! Seriously!

The Sweetest Tea!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
that started from this tropic port
aboard this tiny ship. (Okay maybe not a tropic port)





The mate was a mighty sailing man,
the skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
for a three hour tour, a three hour tour.
(okay there were 6 of us not five)



The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
the minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost…


One time… A group of .
French people who were colonizing Morocco decided to liven up their boring afternoon tea by turning it into an all out party with music and dancing (and debauchery)—henceforth the tea dance was born. Tea dances eventually became the staple of genteel and high society; a chance for the rich to hob knob with one another. Today tea dances refer to any casual afternoon party.

In the gay world, tea dances or T-Dances usually refer to a Sunday afternoon or evening party, BUT may also a have reference to the cruising for anonymous sex between men in public restrooms or “tea rooms”. This past Sunday, I attended a T-dance aboard the Queen of Hearts riverboat for a Sea Tea.

Two years ago my friend Joe first called me about the Sea Tea in NYC and said “let’s do it”.
It costs $22, includes dinner, and a 3 hour tour (like Gilligan’s Island) aboard a riverboat with a cash bar and DJ. It sounded like a great deal. HOWEVER, little did we know, this particular T-Dance we attended 2 years ago was for ugly men only (well not really but that’s what it seemed like). For 3 hours we were stuck on board a riverboat with the ugliest men ever! STUCK like Gilligan! The bartender understood our dilemma and was kind enough to make us EXTRA STRONG Long Island ice teas in BIGGER CUPS so we could deal with all the ugliness. By the end of the trip we were trashed!


On Pride weekend this year, I gave the Sea Tea another chance and had a blast!—AND... there were CUTE BOYS! So, when I looked at the Sea Tea Schedule again and saw that this weekend was “Will Clark’s 6th and Final Bad Boys on the Hudson Sea Tea”, and that next week was Gay Officers Action League (the ugly Sea Tea that Joe and I first went on), and the week after that the Gay Men’s Choir, I knew that I had to get on the Sea Tea just one more time this season while the theme was going to be good.



Will Clark is a producer who fund raises for BREAKING THE CYCLE, an HIV campaign that spreads awareness and provides funding for research and other HIV organizations. Will Clark is known to do this using gay porn stars! Bad Boys on the Hudson was exactly that. I would be STUCK on a boat for 3 hours With HOT PORN STARS and STRIPPERS! YAY! (Just in case the rest of the cruise was ugly, I invited a big group of my friends including Joe again so that if anything, we would still have a good time).




I bought my tickets from the store called Wear-Me-Out (and a cute swimsuit too) on the Friday before. The next day Joe went to get his tickets and was told that they had sold out. “Why is everyone going on this Sea Tea?” the clerk at Wear-Me-Out asked. He sent Joe to another location for tickets. Joe got his tickets from Steel Gym.



We decided to meet at XES for drinks beforehand.
At 6:15 PM as Herbert and I exited the subway train at the stop near XES, we were greeted by a huge thunderstorm. Pouring rain, lightning and LOUD thunder, strong winds, even hail! Though XES was only one block from the train station, there was no way we could get to it. We hunkered down with the other 30 people in the train station and just watched the water come pouring down the stairs. It was like being in a bad horror movie, hunkering down as some giant sea creature trashed the city above us.
I didn’t even have phone service to call Joe to let him know what happened. Herbert was in a panic. “I’m not going out on the water in a storm” he repeatedly said. I suggested that large storms like this pass within minutes and that we would probably be fine. A couple of people stripped down to their bikini and swim shorts (guess they came from the pier) and braved the rain. I was wearing my swimsuit under my jeans—I could have done that too, but didn’t want to mess up my hair! At 6:50 PM with no sign of the rain ending, we decided to head down on the train to Christopher Street--the station nearest the pier --and see what happens.


At the Christopher Street station it was blue sunny skies. I quickly called Joe and told him that we would meet him and his friend Rebecca on the boat. The four of us met on the pier and waited for 2 other friends to arrive. The Queen of Hearts would set sail at 7:30pm.

At 7:25 PM Frankie and Pedro still had not arrived! My heart was racing. They called me and said “we are in a cab”. I quickly replied “if this boat sets sail before you get here, I’m leaving without you”.


At 7:29 PM they arrived (just in time) and we all boarded the ship. We were immediately greeted by the sight of hot Porn stars in nothing but underwear and leather attire posing for pictures and asking people to buy raffle tickets. We All ordered drinks from bar and headed up to the top deck (the dance floor) and open air.

Herbert was still very reluctant. “This sunny weather is just the eye of the storm. I don’t think we should be doing this!” he said.

Rebecca began working the room asking random gay boys if they had previously met her before. LOVE IT!

On the top deck, I decided to approach one of the porn stars and ask him what the tickets were for. “They are for different prizes” said the hot almost naked star. “The tickets are a dollar each all going to HIV charities, but for $10 dollars I’ll use the roll of tickets to measure your inseam, and for $20 you can measure mine“he said.

Figuring it was all for charity and since I was taller than he was-- and would get MORE tickets, I opted for the $10 measuring of MY inseam.

He quickly got down his knees and immediately starting biting my cock through my jeans. OMG!! I immediately got aroused as he continued to play with me this way as he slowly measured my inseam using the tickets. It was so hot! I only wished that I had asked for the $20 dollar version—would he have allowed me to do that to him through his leather jockstrap? After I was rock hard, he stood up, collected the money gave me a thank you kiss and handed me my tickets. Everyone around immediately swarmed to buy tickets from him including Pedro who insisted that the only reason he was buying tickets was because he “won his bike” from a raffle on a sea tea last year. For me, I didn’t care if I won the raffle at this point. I already got my $10 worth.=)


We roamed the ship mingling with the crowd before deciding to head downstairs to dinner on the second level. I really wasn’t hungry and basically ordered another drink and had some pasta salad. As we were dining, another porn star dressed too in a leather jock was accosted by Rebecca. Not wanting to spend another $10 to $20 dollars on tickets just so that I could have this guy molest me, and wanting a picture for this blog, I offered him 5 bucks to pose and take a regular picture with me. He agreed.
As I stood up next to him and started to smile, He immediately pushed me down to my knees and shoved his full basket in my face. It was hot! People egged me on. Hell for 5 bucks what the hell… I did what I wanted! When it was done he said… “Maybe you should pay $10 for that”. He thanked me and handed me 5 tickets.

We roamed all the decks of the ship enjoying the debauchery of it all, Rebecca commenting “I’m a gay boy in a girls’ body! If I were a real gay boy I’d probably get more cock! Straight men are so boring!” I love Rebecca! Joe kept spilling his drinks on himself--not sure if it was because he was as drunk as I was, or if because the ship seemed to be rocking more and more as the weather starting getting worse again.


Another round of drinks and our group separated.
While having some dessert on the lower level, I got a text message from Joe. “Come up to the dance floor, there is some live cock up here”. We headed up in time to catch several of the porn stars put on a live show for us. HOT! HOT! HOT! (and I'm just a pervert).




When the show ended, a flagger appeared.


He was okay. Being one of the core team members of NYC Flaggers, I introduced myself to him. He quickly handed me his flags. “Go for it” he said. I quickly climbed on the box and I put on a show despite my injured wrist.
I could feel the ship really rocking now. I mean really rocking. Lightning was lighting up the skies on the horizon. Maybe Herbert was right-we could be in danger. Suddenly, large waves started washing over the sides and spraying the crowd. We quickly headed downstairs where we would be shielded from the elements.

On the lower deck, the porn stars had gathered and were announcing the numbers from the raffle. I didn’t win, but like I said… I already got my money’s worth.

We went back upstairs, and danced a little more. The weather seeemed to be holding. It was nearing 10 PM and the ship was going to dock. It was so hot and humid on the ship I had my shirt half off. I had to use the bathroom. Pedro followed me. As I entered the bathroom, Pedro waited outside. The stalls were all full. As I waited, a hot couple behind me said “that’s a really hot look for you, with your tan skin and white belt, shirt pulled up”. They started rubbing my stomach. Just then the stall door opened and a leather daddy came out and I saw another guy behind him jump off the toilet. I had found “The Tea Room”. I really did have to pee and Pedro was waiting. As I stood in the stall peeing, the couple behind me kept saying “don’t you know there is a 3 person minimum in the stall here?” If Pedro wasn’t waiting for me I might have invited them in.


As I exited the bathroom, I looked down to the lower level and saw one of the porn stars Ty Hudson autographing his pictures.
I quickly rushed down and asked if he was selling them. “No, I’m giving them away” he said. I quickly found the two that appealed to me most and had him sign them as he explained to me that some guy wrote his college thesis on the last porn film he did (okay, compared to that guy maybe I'm not all that much of a pervert).




Just as he finished singing his name, the lights flashed signaling that the boat had docked and that we all needed to disembark.

This was one 3 hour tour that I wished did get marooned like Gilligan.

We headed to a pizza place for some late night pizza (as we usually do after a night of drinking in NYC). As we were headed to the train station, the sky opened up again for round two of the storm. Herbert starting freaking out again. “We need to hurry and get underground” he shouted.

We quickly headed to the safety of the underground as the giant monster trashed the city above us again.


For Real! Seriously!