Despite what some of you believe, me being gay is not a choice. Just as a straight person instinctively went for the opposite sex and did not give it a second thought or "choice", I instinctively went for the same sex. If I had a choice, I would have probably chosen to be straight simply because it would have made my life a whole lot easier. But God choose this life for me that I was born into it and have no regrets.
When I came out to my parents, I was already an adult. My mother got upset and we stopped talking. Because I am an adult, I knew how to manage on my own without my mother. My mother and I have since made up. But there are hundreds of teens out there today, who just like me, know it is not a choice to be gay. For some of these teens who are coming out so early (because we MUST live our lives honestly and be comfortable with who we are), life is an uphill battle. They are not adults, and do not have the tools to cope as easily as I did when I came out. I recently read a story about a girl who came out at a young age. Her mother threw her out, and told her that had she known her daughter would turn out this way, she would not have let the doctors save her when she was born prematurely. At school, she faced ridicule not only from her classmates, but from teachers as well. With no family to support her nor education, how was she to cope with life? She wanted to die. Thank God for the Hetrick-Martin Institute and the Harvey Milk School in NYC. They provided a place for this girl to know love, and compassion, and gave her a place to receive an education and the tools she needed to be a success. All she needed was a chance.
The Hetrick-Martin Institute throws an annual Fall Festival Benefit Event that I was fortunate enough to be invited to. Jose, through his corporate philanthropy made an admirable donation of $2000 and was able to invite Herbelicious, myself, and our friend Alan. The event was held upstate in Accord, New York (prounounced ACK-cord).
Accord is 2 hours north of the city in what I would call COUNTRY. Corn fields and farm houses dot the landscape. Quaint little towns where some of NYC's richest find escape from the grind of city life among the simple serene life of farm folk.
We got lost on our way there, as not all the streets along the green winding hill roads are labeled properly. We stopped to ask for directions at an inn where Herbelicious and Alan got out. Herbelicious was nervous. Would the inn keeper pull out the ropes to start a lynching of these 4 ethnic GAY boys from the city? To our surprise he was also a "Sister" who fabulously dressed complete with a silk scarf, told Herbelicious to breathe as he pointed us in the right direction, asking if those doctor boys were throwing a party again. Hmmm maybe we need to go back to Accord and find out who these fabulous doctor boys are.
We found the Fall Festival down a long private driveway leading to a beautiful estate with a house built on a lake. In the back of the house, a huge white tent complete with beautiful couches and chaise loungers; paper lanterns; coffee tables of glass full of water with blossoms floating in them; free martinis and wine; hors d' orderves; --all the while people walking about in designer clothing and Jimmy Choo shoes costing at least $5000 a pair. It could have been a very pretentious party. It was not. It was open and friendly and warm. I think everyone here understood what it was like growing up gay and not being accepted. So they accepted EVERYONE. The day was a perfect day to throw an outdoor party such as this. Clear skies and 70 degrees- not too hot, not to cold.
Heberlicious and I enjoyed pretending to be models as we posed on the chaises with our martinis. We even created our own Dolce Gabanna ads amongst the reeds near the lake. Jose and Alan were having a blast too, mingling and posing for pictures. Ah, this was the life.
But walking around the party were these teens who gently reminded us of a time we use to hide who we really were. They thanked us for supporting their school and giving them the chance to be successful. REALITY CHECK. I am so glad that these kids have the support they need. My life would have been a whole lot easier if I had the Harvey Milk School. Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. Why didn't girls like me? Why did the girls tease me? Why did the guys always pick on me? Why did I like clothes and Hair products, and Barbie? Why was I awkward at sports? Was I the only one this way? Why did it feel like I had to keep this all to myself? Was there anyone I could ask?.......... I hid all this pain really well.
As we left, we were handed goody bags full of hair products (YAY! for Herbelicous and I who LOVE our hair products), Skin products (YAY! for Herbelicous and I who LOVE our skin products), and Prada cologne (YAY! since we LOVE Prada). We are so GAY! YAY!
As we drove off, into the beautiful pink, purple and orange sunset, we all had a warm glow. We realized that as a group, the LGBT community has come a long way, but we still have a LONG way to go. It's nice to know that there are people and organizations like the Hetrick-Martin Institute who are making it a little easier for us. It's also nice to know that I have 3 good friends to help me through my life and make it a little more pleasant. Thank you Jose, Herbert, and Alan for sharing this day with me.
www.hmi.org
9 comments:
Hey William; what you wrote was beautifully put,and even though I'm a straight middle aged broad, I'm glad to know that men and women from the gay community now have support systems in this day and age that they can rely on. I can remember as a young girl two cousins and few acquaintances had to live on the down low, because it was taboo. Nothing was ever said aloud about anyone's sexuality, but there were giggles, whispers,and some insulting words behind the backs of these people. I've come across many gay people in my lifetime, and I am not bothered by it at all; it's like second nature to me. If a person chooses not to discuss his or preference,it's fine by me. I look at personality, intelligence, sense of humor, etc.just like I would anyone else. Having said that,hopefully, that in the not too distant future, being free to be who you are will become even more accepted by society, and the heteros will cut everyone some slack.(maybe in a perfect world).
I had no idea you were going through those things back then. I always felt very comfortably around you. You were one of the few people who I felt I could be completely me with. You always accepted me for me, without judgment. I think that's one of the things that made you such a great friend. Thank you.
awww, I feel slightly vehklempt. We (LBGT) community has been through so much and is still going through so much. so did your event have anything to do with the fim Milk by Gus Van Sant coming out later this year? Gus is (was) an amazing film-maker back when he was making stuff like My Own Private Idaho....If nothing else, Milk does have some cute boys (James Franco)....great story btw....
Hello Y'All!
I had typed a response two days ago and somehow I was unable to post it. After having read the other responses. I realize that William has come a long way. I also can relate to what he wrote for I like many gay men - struggled with the same questions - and struggled with self acceptance and allowing myself to love me for me not for what people could think of me.
It is true that places like the Hetrick-Martin Institute can assist many young adults find their way and have that realization at an early age and hopefully have them find the path to acceptance and happiness earlier than some of us have.
Every single one of us can do the same for some in our lives. Sometimes just a shoulder to cry on or somebody to talk to can go a long way.
On a lighter note the afternoon was peppered with very light moments created by William and me. As the pictures show we had a FABU time posing and pretend to be SUPAMODELS. The goodie bag was a total treat and the products were a nice touch. I must say that the Prada fragrance was a total let down - for those of you that haven't sniffed it yet, simply open a bottle of J&J baby shampoo or baby body lotion and you will get the same effect. We joked that we smelled like baby ass...but honestly I couldn't wear that to da club!
Billy you should keep taking pictures you are becoming quite the photographer....who knows, knowing you this may lead to yet another fascinating side road in your life!!!
This blog has me in tears. To keep something like this to yourself for so long and hidden from the world--I can only imagine the pain you went through, not being able to just 'talk' about it 'back then' when people only had an idea of what it was to be gay. Times have changed and it's great to hear that there are places who support the gay community. You and I basically grew up together and You are such a genuine person who deserves so much in life. I have always considered you a friend and have never thought less of you. I'm glad we found we each other again and this time you better stay in touch ;) Big Hugs-♥
You know...it's okay for your mom to still wish for me to be your "wife", because you'll always be my "husband"! Hey, now we have a "grand daughter" for her too!! *8) I will always love you to death..gay or straight..rich or poor..drop dead sexy or just plain ugly..none of that really ever mattered to us...well, it mattered but we never let it get in the way! You are the best and we have so many awesome memories and I know that we will make many more..but can you hurry up and come "home" to visit..you know that my travel life is put on hold now since baby has arrived..but keep in mind, I've already told her that as soon as she is old enough she is going to go and stay with her uncle billy during the summers in NYC, because she needs to learn to dance, since, play the piano and land a choice role in a major show on broadway..and then become a rich actress or singer or ANYTHING..so she can take care of her mommy! Anyhow, I LOVE YOU..forever and ever and ever..
Billy...I'm sorry you felt that way back in hs. I wish you had told me you felt that way. I wouldn't have cared either way. Believe me, I already knew, but I loved you anyway. You were and are my Kramer (oh wait, you stepped up), "Prada" friend. I always knew you were going places and NYC fits you to a tee. You always thrived on the fast paced life. As for being gay, I'm glad you have friends that can relate to your experiences. I have been around gay people all my life (my sisters, my aunt, friends and now my niece). People cannot choose who they fall in love with because if we could, we would fall for the easiest road. I think as long as you find someone who will treat you right and love you like there is no tomorrow, and you are truly happy with that person, then it's a match.
As for your mom, I'm glad she is coming around. I know when my niece told me she was gay, she felt she had to get me drunk first. She was my tail back when she was young. We went out drinking and she asked me, "Aunty, if I told you I was gay, what would you say?" I told her, "It will be hard for me to get used to, but I would love her anyway." I think she was relieved. After getting me drunk, she told me. I was shocked especially because she used to be boy crazy. But when she was having problems with her mom because of it, I told her to come live with me. Don't get me wrong, it was hard to adjust for me, but I knew I loved her and that I had to accept her for her.
Now as a mother, it would be very difficult to accept. I don't know why. Maybe it scares me that my child will sometimes go through hell because of his/her sexual preference. I always want to protect them. Maybe that's what your mom was feeling. It is very scary thinking that your child may get badly hurt because of loving a person that not everyone in the world is willing to accept. It is everyone else's problem not yours. But it's still hard not to worry.
Having said that, I'm so glad that you have surrounded yourself with such great friends that take care of you. This school sounds like it is really taking care of teenagers.
Well enough being serious. I told you that I would teach you a Hawaiian phrase at least once a month. Here is your first lesson:
mikiao loa oia
pronounced:
miki (like mickey mouse)
ao (like ow! that hurts)
loa (rhymes with Noah)
o (like oh!)
ia (like how we think the Swedish women say Yes, Ya Ya)
mikiao (nails) loa (very / so) oia (he/she interchangeable)
translation: he/she is so nails!!!
how do you like your first lesson? Spread ka 'olelo Hawai'i (the Hawaiian Language).
'Ihilani / Chelle
oh yeah, i forgot to say that I would still accept my child if he/she turned out "fabulous" but it would be difficult to adjust to.
also, about your lesson:
you could also say:
mikiao loa kela or mikiao loa kena(line or kahako over the "e" and the "a")
kela = that over there
kena = that over there near the person you're speaking to
keia (kahako over "e") = this
so translation:
that (over there) is so nails
that (over there) is so nails
this is so nails
'Ihilani
I don't know what I could say that hasn't already been said, but yes, this was a great post! I hope more and more kids hear about this place and know they are "normal" and have a place to go where they can be treated like people who belong in the world.
There's plenty of hate to go around, we need less of that and more places like this that offer just the opposite, love and understanding!
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